Have Deeper Conversations Using This 1 Principle

"If you listen to people they will tell you the weirdest bloody things so fast you can not believe it” - Jordan B. Peterson

Spurred by a tough conversation a couple of weeks back with my wife — where I didn’t do a fantastic job listening — this edition tackles how to have deeper conversations and notice your own bias.

We won’t tackle conflict resolution conversations but for a quick read on that, check out one of my other recent newsletters.

Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t.

Lifted from Dr. Peterson’s book, 12 Rules For Life, Rule 9 states: “Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t.”

You might think, of course I don’t know everything. Or even a small fraction of everything.

Let me tell you, this takes practice.

Your brain’s own incessant need to be right heavily outweighs its desire to learn new information. The amount of invisible bias you’ve developed through millions of years of evolution is one hell of a drug.

Availability Bias - We believe that the first examples that we can remember are highly representative of the world.

My wife mentioned the other day she was worried about our dog not getting along with our future children. A statement made after 2 friends had to re-home their dogs for this issue. Despite no evidence that the majority of dogs, even behavioural ones, don’t get along with children.

Confirmation Bias - This is the tendency to search for, interpret, favour or recall information in a way that confirms or supports our prior beliefs. The effect is especially strong for desired outcomes or deeply entrenched beliefs.

Everybody’s uncle that lives in the GTA is convinced that the Toronto Maple Leafs will never win a Stanley Cup again despite having the second highest betting odds to win this year.

Anchoring Bias - Anchoring bias occurs when we rely disproportionally on previous information.

If you close on a home below list price (good luck). You feel as though you got a deal, even if the home may have been listed $50,000 above fair value.

It becomes easy to see how we can get tied up with our own preconceived notions before entering a conversation.

So unless everything in your life is exactly the way you want it to be — and it probably isn’t — that means you have something to learn.

Let’s assume you’re correct 49 times out of 50, that still means you can learn something 2% of the time you have a conversation.

Listening can bring out valuable information applicable to your own life. Think of the parables or lessons we learn from other literature. Conversations are just an exchange of stories.

I intended to give 3 principles and we’re already 444 words in. The other two principles here are: don’t arrive at a conversation with an agenda and listening can be more valuable than speaking. You’ll have to wait for a future edition for a deeper dive on each of these.

Stay tuned for a bonus distillation on some action items to improve your listening skills.